Sometimes I wake up during REM sleep. My entire body remains numb but I feel like I can step outside of myself. It’s at once scary and exhilarating. I feel like a weightless thing floating above myself watching my still form. This is all of course only a dream or sleep paralysis with odd dreamy hallucinations. Depression can feel like that sometimes. I feel like I’m drifting through half awake, floating somewhere in my head. Sleep walking through life. Every morning I wake up intent on being motivated to do something, anything. All day long it’s a war in my mind between, ‘get up and do something with yourself dammit,’ and, ‘oh my God this couch is my home and my safe place, i never want to leave’. Depression is knowing there are a million things you could do, but all it takes is one wrong word from somebody, one overheard sigh that feels directed at you, one movie you have to watch, one unsuccessful try at something to ruin the whole day. Then it’s 7 in the evening and I’m still in my pajamas, so mad at myself because I spent yet another day doing nothing.
I pray every night the next day won’t be rinse and repeat.